What Happens in Naraku's Castle, Stays in Naraku's
by Abbakdabba
Summary: As per ususual, Naraku can't just kill Inuyasha outright. He has to lock everyone in his castle and assume they are going to die. Hmm, yeah right. Witness some interesting cabin fever. IxK sorta & MxS definately
1. This is the name of the chapter

**A NOTE FROM THE HUMBLE SCRIBE:** _I take no responsibly for some of interesting travesties found in this fic. This fanfiction is a result of a fanfiction challenge issued by two of my friends (who happen to be both sick _and _twisted). This particular challenge is of the list verity. Baiscally one of your friends approaches you and challenges you to a duel. Then you name the anime/book/movie/etc. Next, both parties proceed to scribble down 10 of the most horrifically horrifying, impossible to justify, and just plain weird things to put in a fanfiction. Exchanging lists, the duel then begins. The key to winning a fanfiction challenge is JUSTIFYING everything on the list and making it flow well in the story. Normally, the results are quite humorous. Examples of items that I have gotten in the past are stuff like: character A must only say things that can be misconstrued as dirty, or character F must be caught naked singing Dancing Queen. Things like that. Everything on the list must be included, though it doesn't have to be in any particular order._

_Anyhow here is the list I was given:_

1) Kaede thinks she is a pirate.

2) Miroku and Sango get it on in Naraku's evil lair.

3) Kilala & Shippo frolic, then wake up in a pile of empty cans.

4) A squirrel gets hit by one of Kagome's "love arrows" and falls for Shippo. _I _know_Kagome doesn't have love arrows, but that is what I got._

5) Inuyasha is caught dressed in drag randomly throughout the story. Must have a boa.

6) Sesshomaru and Inuyasha get into a fight – then break out into a choreographed version of the YMCA (other Village People song is acceptable)

7) Kikyou, whilst making out with Inuyasha, bites his neck. This freaks him out a bit.

8) Inuyasha finds Kagome's vibrator. _I still don't know how I'm gonna keep this PG13 with that one (shudder)_

9) Kagura must wear a tiger suit.

10) Miroku goes to open his wind tunnel and instead makes his hand into a gun, says "bang", and proceeds to fall over. _Okay yeah, that was dirty of them, mixing in Cowboy Bebop with Inuyasha. Booo!_

_Alright so needless to say, this shall be interesting. On with the fic!_

**DISCLAIMER:** _I do not own Inuyasha or any of the characters in the manga/anime. I only wish I was half as creative as Rumiko Takahashi and must be content merely parodying her glorious masterpiece. _

**What Happens in Naraku's Castle, Stays in Naraku's Castle**

It was dark and storming, as such nights tend to be around the lair of an evil demon, when Inuyasha and his band of merry travelers stopped. They had been searching for their destination for so long that now, having reached it, allsix just stopped on impulse.

"So that's Naraku's castle," stated Sango who had, yet again, managed to change clothing in 1.2576 seconds.

"Looks to be that way," Miroku stated coming up beside her and mentally kicking himself for missing Sango sans clothing…again.

"Well all of us just standing here isn't gonna make Naraku any deader," the group's resident surly hanyou pointed out. "Let's go." And with that grammatically incorrect battle pep talk, the Inutachi continued on purposefully toward the castle.

The castle had probably seen better days. The once majestic roof was caving in and the wall, although still standing, looked as though it would crumble if blown on strongly. Not the iron clad, impossible to enter stronghold of all their imaginations, but it did have the advantage of possessing a creepy aura. Oh, and the lightening was a nice touch. However, as evil lairs go, Naraku's current castle was a bit of a let down. Large wooden doors loomed above group, but they opened with a happy creek with one shove from the half demon.

The inside of the castle wasn't much better than the outside. The only notable difference was the increase in the amount of miasma layering the ground. The pathetic outer wall surrounded several dilapidated buildings that seemed to center around a very large, very crumbly central structure, which possessed a great deal of stars leading to the collapsing entrance. The whole castle had the look of a child's play thing that had been discarded for a shinier, brighter evil lair.

Suddenly, the wooden doors slammed shut behind the companions with a loud bang, making Kagome shriek, Shippo hide, and Inuyasha draw his sword. Kagome turned back towards the castle proper, half expecting Naraku to descend the steps and ask in a Transylvanian accent if they would like to stay for a bite. The mental image of this caused a nervous giggle to bubble forth. Inuyasha glanced anxiously at the miko and questioned, not for the first time, if she was entirely sane. Sango ardently hoped that Naraku would get this over with quickly, without his usual posturing. Hiraikotsu was starting to get heavy, that thing was a bitch to hold in battle ready position. Miroku simply took the time to admire Sango's ass in her battle ready position before trying to concentrate on any evil tentacle-heavy archenemies that might jump out. He failed and went right back to staring at her butt. Shippo simply thought, "Gee that was an awfully strong wind," and continued cowering.

"Inuyasha," the evil voice seemed to come from everywhere, "it is so nice of you to join me in my castle. Quite predictable really. And now you have all so kindly walked into my little trap."

Kagome always thought that it was quite rude of Naraku to only address Inuyasha, as they were all there. But she simply added it to the list of the many reasons why he was a total meanie. Oblivious to Kagome's current line of thought, Naraku appeared at the top of the stairs in his little baboon costume and continued his monologue.

"You arenow allpermanent guests here in my castle. That is until the miasma kills you. But don't worry; if you don't want to be slowly poisoned by the noxious fumes, I have left some other surprises for you. The only way you shall depart this castle, is as spirits."

"You first you bastard," Inuyasha snarled. He then proceeded to raise his enormous sword and bring it down with a yelled "Kaze no Kizu!" (because you should always yell your attack at your opponent so they know what is coming). Naraku didn't dodge the attack however, and he dissolved into little baboon bits. The group ran up to what was left of Naraku, only to discover a crude wooden dolly amongst the fur. "Figures," muttered Inuyasha, as he turned back down the stairs and trotted towards the doors.

"Um, Inuyasha," Kagome piped up, "I don't think we can-" ZAP! And like a bug in a bug zapper, Inuyasha was electrocuted and thrown, sizzling back to the bottom of the stairs. "leave," finished Kagome.

"Uhhhh," was all the response she got.

"Well, this is just great," said Miroku sarcastically.

_Okay that is all for now. Reviews are very welcome, and if I insulted your mother somehow in this chapter, feel free to flame. Whatever floats your boat._


	2. The many properties of miasma

_Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Inuyasha or the like. If I did, he would be shirtless a heck of a lot more._

Sango was bored…well bored and a little light headed. The miasma was starting to get to her. Watching Inuyasha trying to break down the barrier over and over again had lost all of its entertainment value, and now she was leaning up against the wall of one of the lesser buildings, out of the rain. The blasting sounds had ceased so either Inuyasha had finally decided that attacking an unbreakable barrier with his little red sword was pointless or Kagome was fighting with him. Sango strained to hear.

"_Mumble mumble mumble_," that sounded like Kagome.

"NO! _Mumble mumble_ wench," hmm definitely Inuyasha.

"_Mumble_," that had to be Shippo.

"I AM NOT!"

"Swak! Whahhhh, Kagome!"

"Inuyasha! SIT!"

This could get more interesting. Never one to miss a good piece of theatre, Sango attempted to get up……and promptly fell over again. Suddenly, for some reason, the inability to operate simple human motor skills became enormously humorous for the taijiya. And that is how Miroku found her, laughing her ass off on the muddy ground.

"Um, Sango are you feeling well?"

"Huh? Oh, yes Houshi-sama (guffaw), I am (giggle) just fine."

"Sango, why aren't you wearing your mask?"

"Oh, it got itchy." Sango started giggling again, "Itchy is a funny word. Try saying it, itchy."

Miroku was utterly confused. Sango was not at all acting like her normal self. It was almost like she was…. When insight was granted to Miroku, it was like the sun started to shine on him alone that cold wet day. He was on the ground with Sango's hands in his faster than you could say, "Would you bare my children?"

"Sango, I have just realized something."

"(Giggle) what is it Houshi-sama?"

"Naraku has," dramatic pause, "locked us in here. We may be here for a long time." Miroku took the time here to get some fake tears going. "Or (sob), we could die…tomorrow."

"We could," Sango was looking at him trustingly with those wide doe eyes of hers. She had never looked so innocent, sweet, and incredibly sexy before. She had mud all over her and the wet was making her already tight taijiya outfit even clingier. Could you really blame Miroku? Well, actually _she_ would and could blame him later. But that was later, and Miroku was always a man to live in the now.

"I, (pause) I don't want to die without having known a woman." There was no way in hell that this bull would normally work on Sango, but _maybe_ tonight she just might go for it.

"Houshi-sama! YOU haven't known a woman?" Sango burst into giggles all over again.

Miroku was stumped. He had asked countless women to sleep with him before. He had even used the virgin line, multiple times. Women normally giggled nervously and moved away. Often they got insulted and stalked away or threw an impossibly heavy item at his head. They even sometimes replied starry eyed that they would indeed bear his children. Never had they laughed in his face and questioned his honesty and well, it was kind of a turn off.

"Houshi-sama, I would be glad to let you know me!"

And like a light switch, Miroku was turned right back on. "Oh Sango!" But Miroku had lived long enough to know that, invariably, this was too good to be true, "Are you sure?"

"How could I refuse you when we could die at any moment?" Miroku was hard pressed not to get up and do a victory dance right then and there.

"Houshi-sama, what is it you would like to know about me?" It is amazing how quickly a human being can go from almost dancing in the mud to wanting to throw himself in said mud and ask all of the cruel and heartless Gods why he was cursed thus. It was because of that one night in the temple with that girl wasn't it? Well, he was sorry. Really, really sorry. Temples were holy places sure, but how could they begrudge him just one night. Okay, and that other time. But two times isn't that many. Why did they hold it against him now?

"Houshi-sama, I'm hungry all of a sudden. I think I'll go see if Kagome has any food left in her bag." It was a good thing that Miroku stood along with her like a gentleman; otherwise all the taijiya would have eaten was some very flavorsome mud.

Sango was innumerably grateful to Miroku for keeping her from eating the mud. Her hazy mind also registered that she was also in his embrace and those pesky inhibitions seemed to have fallen to the mud without her. She would have reached down picked them up, but she just had to thank Miroku for catching her. So, Sango thanked him….by putting her tongue down his throat. Miroku promptly retracted his earlier assumptions about the Gods hating him. In fact, Miroku ended up thanking them rather loudly several times that night.

_Gah, I have to go to work now. I was going to write more than this, honest. I had something evil planned out for number 9. Ah well, after work. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Happy reading!_


	3. Inuyasha, milkshakes, and yards Oh yes

_Disclaimer: Sure, I own Inuyasha. Metaphorically._

Sesshomaru's arm was missing. Oh, he had noticed the lack of arm long before this; he wasn't stupid. However, when he had finally gotten around to going back to his father's grave to get it...well, it had been noticeably not present. He glanced about disdainfully in every direction, but his arm simply was not in attendance. Upon mentioning its absence, Jaken had gone insane and flailed a lot, and Rin innocently inquired as to where it could have gone. After some contemplation, Sesshomaru could come to only one conclusion as to the whereabouts of his hand. Naraku. Naraku was always the catalyst behind any mischief that occurred in Feudal Japan. Doubly so if something was stolen. The time to face facts had come; Naraku had kleptomania… among other things. Now all Sesshomaru had to do was track down Naraku. Chances were he would find his arm, and if he got vengeance as well, it was that much for the better. Ah yes, Sesshomaru was a planner.

"Rin," he said, grabbing the girl's attention fully. "Jaken," the toad in question stopped flailing. "We are going." Sesshomaru started walking north; toward where he was almost positive Naraku's castle was located.

* * *

Wet clothes are never fun. They stick to your sides and legs and hang off you all funny. And they chafe. Inuyasha was not a weak person. He had spent many a night out in the cold and wet. Hell, he had spent hundreds of nights in the cold and wet. Yet, Inuyasha was a proud man (dog…demon…whatever). He would never admit to anyone, ever, how truly heavy and uncomfortable his fire rat robes were now that they were wet. Oh and wet hair is a bitch. So Inuyasha continued to look indifferently manly to being wet until Kagome had stalked away with Shippo in tow. Well, as manly as one can look face down in a muddy hole.

But now he was alone, thus rendering his discomfort unnecessary. Well, Kilala had stayed behind, but he doubted she had the desire or the ability to rat him out if he showed a weakness. So peeling himself from his embrace with the ground, Inuyasha opted to seek shelter. Peering across the flooding courtyard at a nearby dwelling, he picked up Kagome's neglected backpack and quietly heaved a relieved sigh that her bow and its quiver of arrows were not with the pack. At least she had that much sense. Inuyasha supposed he should be worried about Kagome. She was wandering around Naraku's castle all alone, and Naraku had mentioned something about surprises. Knowing Naraku, they weren't gonna be the fun, birthday kind of suprise. Nevertheless, the memory of angry Kagome was still fresh in his mind and no amount of ramen was gonna get him anywhere near her right now. Plus, he could, at that moment, hear her calling him ten kinds of baka and Shippo avidly agreeing. He figured that they wouldn't be doing that if Naraku had just popped up and yelled "Surprise!"

The decrepit house in which he now found himself dropping Kagome's bag was a lot less decrepit than he was led to believe by outside appearances. Sure the roof was caved in a bit in the back corner, and there was debris everywhere, but overall this place wasn't so bad. You just had to ignore the evil miasma everywhere, gave it a homey feel.

Using debris and what he assumed was a piece of the roof Inuyasha started to build a fire. He didn't know why he was always roped into this shit. Miroku and Sango were off doing the gods only knew what, Kagome was pissed at him, and he looked and felt like a wet dog (oh, that pun was intended). On top of all that, that bastard Naraku had run off like the wimpy-assed pussy that he was and locked them all in one ugly castle-shaped mess. It was days like this that started to take a toll on Inuyasha's mental state. The fire wasn't drying off him at all.

Frustrated, Inuyasha stripped off his haori and yukata _Feh! Damn thing is impervious to fire, acids, and big pointy things that go through ones chest, but put a little water on it and it's useless._ Inuyasha contemplated putting it in the fire as it wouldn't burn up. Yet, his fire was a piddling little thing at the moment, and would most likely be put out if doused with some fire rat robes. A cool wind whipped in through the gapping hole in the roof, causing the hanyou to shiver and sit nearer to the flames. Swelch! Was that? Inuyasha gazed down at his pants irately. Did his pants just _squelch?_ There were indeed no more straws left, for that had been the last one. The pants had to go too. Pausing to listen for Kagome, Inuyasha started to divest himself of his last oh so annoying garment. Kagome was off playing a game with Shippo which apparently involved a picnic and listing things. Further off Inuyasha vaguely thought he heard Miroku praying. What the heck?

Now liberated from everything but his dignity, Inuyasha fed the fire some more of the roof. It wasn't working. He was fucking cold. His wet hair wasn't helping the situation and neither was the wind. Casting about for a solution, Inuyasha's eyes settled on Kagome's bag. As ugly as it was, it had possessed good things in the past. Ramen came from that bag for heaven's sake. Maybe it would solve his problem now. "You won't narc on me, will you?" he said looking over at Kilala, who was eyeing him curiously.

"Mew," was her only response.

"No, of course not."

He first poked the bag in question. When no angry Kagomes jumped out and attacked him, he decided to proceed to where no dog demon had gone before, into a woman's bag. The excavation commenced tentatively, but soon Inuyasha was flinging things from the sack in abandon. Toward the bottom Inuyasha found what he had been looking for, clothes. He managed to squeeze himself into one of her sweaters, but she hadn't brought anything else but skirts. Ah well, Kouga wore one and no one but him seemed to think that the wolf was a pussy. Besides, who was gonna know that he put this stuff on? No one, that's who. It was only until he got warm, then no more sissy clothes again, ever.

Inuyasha hunkered down in front of the fire with a contented sigh. He hummed with satisfaction in his new found warmth. Suddenly, a hissing sound erupted from above him. He looked up just in time for a giant snake to wrap itself around his neck.

* * *

Kagome felt guilty. Inuyasha hadn't really needed to be sat right after he had been electrocuted. That couldn't have been healthy. She hoped he still wasn't still face down in the dirt. He had been a jerk, true, _and_ he had said some awfully mean things to her. Yet, he was her friend and all that. What were friends for, but to forgive? Right? Right.

She had left Shippo in the main structure after he had royally beaten her at the picnic game. Her heart just hadn't been in it. But she figured that it would be easier to quell the dog demon's irritation without Shippo there to make his little…uh observations. So she did what any teenager did when they negotiated with children, she bribed him with candy. Now all she had to do was calm down the stupid demy demon, and then they could all sit around the fire and figure out a way to get out of here….and maybe roast some marshmallows. Yay!

Having now planned it all out in her head, Kagome headed toward the hut where she heard banging noises. Inuyasha was probably still mad, and tearing apart the roof or something. However, there was really no way she could have been prepared for the sight that greeted her.

There was Inuyasha, wearing her blue skirt, and wrestling with a boa constrictor like some perverse Brittany Spears video on acid…dipped in hallucinogenic mushrooms. She proceeded to do the only thing anyone could have done in that given situation. She fell to the ground.

* * *

**A/N:** _Gack! But this chapter did not want to get written. We fought, called each other names, and ignored each other, and finally I said, 'either you behave or I will send you to my new beta as is.' And when the chapter heard that I now have a beta, it buckled down and behaved. It still sounds uninspired and forced though. _

_I have opted to start responding to reviews. Because really, if you guys are taking the time to tell me how I am doing, then I should take the time to respond._

**Zombie Hamster**_Hehe, it's a good thing you don't know what you are talking about, I wouldn't have forced you to be my beta if you knew what you were doing. That would just be silly._

**unwiredmascot**_Oh yes, I uh…meant to do that. It was all a part of my master plan. Yes, right._

_And I have not really run into this type of challenge on but in my group of friends it is quite common. I spent many a health class in high school writing these things. I have only just now opted to start posting them. Oh but they are fun, especially when you finally see the result of your own list. I highly suggest challenging others._

**jiraiya's editor**_It is a good word. It also proves that I have worked in food services for far too long._

**SlummyRedDragon**_Indeed._

**Lucinda the Maid**_I am without a doubt grammar and spelling retarded.Forming complete sentences and using the proper spelling of a word are skills that are far beyond my reach. Maybe we can play a game of "let's count how many times Abbie confuses her tenses." Hmmm, and now that you mention it, Miroku in drag could be fun. (stores that in the back of her head for her next challenge fic.) Heh, heh._

**Inume88**_I'll keep that in mind._

**Ikana Sesako**_And really, who here doesn't enjoy watching bugs getting zapped? There's a kind of sick victory to it all._

**half-breed389**_Wow, thank you.I might just take you up on your offer._


End file.
